“Give me faith to trust what you say
That you’re good and your love is great…”
The battle for a personal relationship with Christ involves holding onto the truths of God despite the pain and hurt caused by the world and religion. Jesus, without a doubt, was remarkable. I have yet to encounter anyone who has something against Jesus or his teachings. While some may not believe he is God’s son, they still accept his instructions of love and acceptance.
This past year has been the most challenging year of my life. My identity was shattered, my goals vanished, and it felt like my life was torn apart from under me. I despised everyone, but most of all, I loathed myself. I vividly remember being trapped in an empty room, with only a bed and four bare walls, and experiencing a panic attack as the walls seemed to close in on me. At that moment, God seemed distant and uncaring, like a deity who had no concern for humanity. Throughout my life, I held this belief in a God I thought was not actively involved in our lives. However, I considered the church to be the key to being a good Christian.
I have felt so out of place and inauthentic over the past two years of my life. Those who don’t believe in my life are unaware of my Christian faith, while the Christians around me are unaware of my daily desire to abandon ship. Let me make it clear that this isn’t a deconstruction of my faith or a teaching; it’s simply me sharing my thoughts.
Something incredible happened at the end of last year. I came to the realization that my entire life had revolved around serving the church and being involved in ministry. Somehow, I felt that I had to serve or be in ministry to be accepted. Consequently, I spent most of my life pursuing teachings, attending Bible colleges, and more. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy teaching and had some desire to engage in those activities, but I believe I pursued them for the wrong reasons.
Unfortunately, the more I got involved, the more I witnessed brokenness. Over the past ten years, I have seen and experienced countless instances of abuse, exploitation, and rejection within ministries and the church. At that point last year, I despised everything associated with Christianity. Going to church felt (and still feels, to a large extent) like a painful experience. Christians were all hypocrites, and ironically, I saw myself as the worst of them all. However, being someone who values facts, I couldn’t deny the evidence pointing towards the existence of God. I simply hated Him, His people, and myself. So I had to choose between rejecting the real God of the universe or believing and continually seeking to understand what Christianity truly means.
Since rejecting the God of the universe didn’t seem like a wise decision, I made a commitment to figure it all out. After attending two Bible colleges, a Christian university, and countless conferences while growing up, I thought I knew who Jesus was. However, all I knew was the version of Jesus preached by many churches—the Jesus who accepts you when you work hard, loves you when you abstain from premarital sex, and wants you to hide your flaws to appear perfect.
Here’s the reality I’ve discovered: not all churches preach that message, and Jesus is incredibly different from that portrayal. He invites us to lay down all our burdens on Him. He doesn’t want us to pretend to have it all together when we don’t. He loves and accepts transgender individuals, people who are gay, and those struggling with addiction, without asking them to change to receive His love. His love draws us closer to Him and transforms our hearts.
Following Christ isn’t about giving up the enjoyable aspects of life; it’s about finding true fulfillment and genuine intimacy. For my whole life, I held a distorted view of God—a negative