Has The Church Destroyed Dating?

I don’t think the church has destroyed dating, but it has made it more difficult.  When I first decided to write a blog post on dating within the church, I thought people would be interested.  After all, people’s comments are why I decided to write.  Below are comments I’ve heard from people regarding dating in the church:

“Guys just need to have more courage and ask a girl out.”

“Dating in the church sucks.”

“Of course, I want to date someone from church… I know what they believe, I’ve spent time around them, and I know how they interact with others….”

After hearing these statements, I decided to look into them by questioning those around me.  Oddly enough, after talking with a few people about the content, I was shocked at the reception.  Many people were against me digging into it, and some even came off the defensive.

This post is just as much for me hashing out my thoughts as it is for you to be informed by my investigation. If you don’t see an issue, that’s awesome.  Please post your comments below whether you agree or not. Better yet, let me buy you coffee and strike up a conversation.  For those of you who have experienced this, hopefully, I can flush out some important insights for you to chew on.

I recently had a friend who wasn’t invited to a local event.  That’s not a big deal…we all forget to ask people.  However, my issue came when I approached another friend about it the next day.  They acknowledged the sad part of missing someone but said he wouldn’t have contacted her because it wasn’t his place [as a guy].  Why?

Another time, I heard a friend say they wouldn’t (as a guy) introduce themselves to a new person at church if they were a girl…  This is ridiculous.  If it were private or a younger girl/boy, I would agree to be cautious, but this is silly.

I’ve seen the same thing in nearly every church I’ve been a part of or visited.  Single men and single women tend to split apart and operate independently.  The other day we had an event where all the girls sat on one side, and all the guys sat on the other.  Some could say it was a coincidence, but I think we’ve conditioned ourselves to separate from the opposite sex, making dating and everything else MORE difficult because we don’t know how to interact.  We need to re-engage with the other gender to get better at dating.

Isn’t it logical to date someone who believes the same as you?  Sure, I can meet someone at the bar, but then I have to figure out their beliefs, values, interactions with others, etc.  Spending time at church allows us to see how men and women interact with their elders, interact with children, and see how they solve problems.  Is that not the best place to meet someone?  I’m not discrediting meeting someone at work or a bar…simply revealing more options…

Spoiler Alert:  This is not a post telling you how to date.  It’s simply me presenting some things I’ve seen and heard from others and my opinion on dating.  At the very least, this will give you an inside look into a man trying to be as vulnerable as possible regarding the subject…

​ I think it’s important to hear where I’m coming from before we get too far.  From a very legalistic and conservative background came the phrase, “dating is divorce practice.”  It wasn’t said often, but it was enough to stick in my head all these years.  When explained to me, my parents said people only dated in high school until they found something they didn’t like about the girl/boy and then broke up.  

While I understand the idea there, it wasn’t great advice.  When I finally pushed to date my first girlfriend, they told me I had to write a paper on God’s view of dating…then, making it even worse, I had to read it to my youth pastor and her dad.  Despite being incredibly ridiculous, I wrote the paper, read it to both, and dated her for nearly two years.  

No one showed me how to date or what was appropriate, so I just did what I learned from movies or, worse, porn.  Our culture has twisted and manipulated so much beauty into this fake beauty, and as a young man, I didn’t know what was up and what was down…what was appropriate and what wasn’t.

I never understood dating.  People would act (in the Christian circle) as if every date must lead somewhere; otherwise, why bother?  This drove me crazy, and I never fully understood how you could date casually (in the appropriate sense).  

Over the years of being frustrated with dating, I’ve learned that myself and many others have viewed dating as an event (or multiple) for two people who like each other and who ALREADY KNEW they wanted to pursue a relationship.  This view was adopted into many churches and, along with the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” severely twisted the idea of dating.

For whatever reason, when many people are now asked out on a date in the church, it’s assumed (with a life or death weight to it) that it must lead to a relationship; otherwise, it’s pointless, and we might as well not bother to even go on a date.  To clarify, I also think men and women need to interact more, and we all need to label dates from just grabbing coffee and hanging out.

I wanted to define my view of the stages of “togetherness” from beginning to marriage to give us a better understanding and wording to talk about it all.

Dating 

The first stage Is dating.  This short-term stage focuses on getting to know someone on a surface level and simply having a good conversation.  You will see if you can have an intellectual discussion during this time.  The intellectual conversation is one of six things you should have in a relationship to help make it work.

To most of us, we put tremendous weight on this stage.  In reality, this is just a time when someone can ask another person out and enjoy their company (obviously with some intention of seeing more of that person).  These first dates can often come without expectations to pursue a relationship’s next phase.

I think another HUGE mistake is to say no to a date because you’re not attracted to the person.  One friend recently told me that she almost always gives a guy a chance to ask her out…even if she isn’t attracted to him.  In my case, I haven’t been physically attracted to anyone in our church.  Sure, they’re all beautiful in so many ways, but I’m just not attracted to them.  Now, their lives, their character, the way they serve?  Sure, that’s stunning.  Attraction can come over time, so don’t let that sway you. 

Dating can last anywhere from a month or two in my eyes.  If you still aren’t attracted after several dates, then reevaluate.  I think it’s important to note that physical contact during this phase is minimum to none.  I will leave it at that since we must define our lines within what God has given us.

Relationship

The next stage is the Relationship Stage.  This is generally long-term.  During this phase, you develop deeper conversations that reveal more vulnerability.  You also begin to wrestle and struggle through problems together.  In this season, you will most likely develop the second and third thing in that list of six that help relationships grow:  Do you like their family/friends, and do you have fun together?

In this phase, you wrestle with compatibility.  You learn what you can and can’t flex on.  Some things you can compromise, others you can’t.  This is also a defined relationship at this point.  While I’m not personally one to go for it, I think it’s okay to be dating (my definition of) multiple people.  Once you’re in a relationship, you should be exclusive and have committed to that person.

Again, you might not be head over heels in attraction to them even in the beginning.  But if it continues, you need to reevaluate the relationship.  You will begin falling in love with numerous aspects of them during this stage: Her (or his) beauty, character, selflessness, ability to serve others, longing to follow Christ, whimsical adventures, friends, family, and so much more.

Regarding physical contact, you would move to whatever you find normal for this phase.  Again, I could tell you what I think is acceptable, but ultimately you need to see God’s view and make your boundary based on your convictions.

Engagement

The third stage is engagement.  Since engagement is a time for preparation and planning, this can be long or short-term…though I think it should be as fast as possible.   For many, a wedding is a big ordeal that needs time to be scheduled on their calendars.  Other things you’re planning at this point are moving in options, switching insurances and banks, and all the other logistical things.

I would encourage counseling at this phase if you didn’t do it before. I have heard that it’s wiser to do this before the engagement, so if, after counseling, you decide it’s not right, you don’t feel forced to keep the wedding.  Talking through how you process issues and life will be beneficial once you live together.  At this stage, especially for men, you’re ready to seal the deal with a ring and a bed.  For this reason, I strongly suggest being wise with your physical touch, and even you’re emotional and spiritual intimacy which I will touch on next.

Marriage

Marriage is the last and the longest.  There are a million talks and teachings on this, so I won’t go into detail here.  I will cover the remaining three helpful things for a great relationship.  The first three happen before marriage, and the last three occur in this phase.  I was recently told these things by a close friend who obtained them from a marriage counselor.  After talking with that counselor myself, I decided to share them here.

The first and most obvious one is physical intimacy.  Listen, sex is fun but so much better to wait for.  Unfortunately, the church has made this false understanding that simply waiting till you’re married to have sex is easy.  BS.  I hate this idea so much.  We are getting married later and later in life compared to biblical times.  Also, our bodies weren’t biologically designed to wait until we’re in our thirties, as we can see from the difficulties of getting pregnant in our mid-thirties.  So for those struggling with this… know it is HARD, but it’s worth waiting.  And please don’t think that is just for men.  I’ve had many conversations with females about the struggle of this.  Just know it’s worth it, and God gives you a way out of every temptation if you want it.

The second thing you need after marriage is emotional Intimacy.  As a more passionate person, this is my biggest struggle in a relationship.  The goal is to find the line between sharing emotions and being emotionally intimate.  You share feelings with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but the deep connection from true emotional intimacy must be carefully guarded.

After marriage, the last thing you should have to make it work well is spiritual intimacy.  Again, I believe you should attend church and even pray together, but this can quickly become very intimate.  There is nothing, in my opinion, that is more powerful for a couple than praying together.  As a married couple, you should spend time praying, reading, and studying together.  Whether you do that while in a relationship is again up to the line and convictions you draw.

Again, I say all these things from a place of research and wise counsel. I do not pretend to know what the inner workings of marriage look like now, but I’m confident God will reveal that in his time. 

At the very minimum, I hope this gave you some ideas and things to think about.  It was great talking with both men and women in my church and outside of my church who have been frustrated with this topic.  

This was not a detailed piece, but I’m passionate about relationships, love, and jazz.  Hopefully, you will be encouraged to reconnect with the opposite sex and build relationships with them.  Having close friends of the opposite sex is powerful and beneficial.  

Blessings on your journey…whether you are single or in the dating, relationship, engagement, or marriage phase.  I bless those relationships, and I speak life into them.